It’s not that I didn’t expect change. Of course I did; and it’s not like my concept of change was minimal; it wasn’t. However, change has always been a relatively fluid concept in my life, I don’t much care for it and I am keenly aware of its presence regardless the situation. Changes in the pictures in the frames on the mantel, no more mint tea at my local supermarket, my fiancé’s face when he realizes a food I suggested wasn’t actually disgusting. Change. I hate it, or I say I do, but I roll with it because I can adapt. That’s the thing about rock bottom when or if you ever do reach it. Change is the only option left. No more freebies, no get out of jail cards (literally) no more paper thin excuses or half assed truths. If you are lucky enough to hit bottom after free falling through trap doors for a decade then change is inevitable. It’s all you got. There’s up and there is dead, and trust me when I say this, death is the easier of the two.
People don’t believe in it for the most part How much can people really change? Arguably you are who you are until you’re not. You’re still you, just playing someone else that better fits your circumstance. So they’re skeptical, and they’re wary and for the most part they’re unimpressed. Because ours is a life of words, little action. We make a thousand perfect promises we never keep and burn down every remaining bridge until the distance is so great- words mean nothing. Then comes part two- action and the only key to action is time. Time to prove to no one else but yourself that you’re not all bullshit. That you do go for walks at dusk with your new baby. That you do believe your opinions on controversial matters are valuable enough to speak truth those who you’re afraid. That you do start eating gluten free, and don’t eat left overs in the light of the refrigerator at midnight. Because these are the changes that are more vital then their parent changes like sobriety, true love, healthy relationships, surrounding yourself with only good people and deciding even when harder to make better choices.
Because it’s in the small changes, that the big changes earn validation. I won’t tell you that I’m living a better life if I don’t want you dropping by my house uninvited. I won’t tell you this guys’ different if all you hear are excuses. I won’t allow myself to bring another life into the world, if I’m still an infant myself. I won’t give advice if I won’t follow it in my own choices and I absolutely will not ask for trust because I’m aware trust is like jumping out of an airplane and hoping that this time, unlike the ten times before, your parachute will work.
So let change be what it is. Scary, often painful and more often than not shown only in verbiage rarely action. I can tell you everything I know you want to hear. I’ve honed that skill over far too many years of letting manipulation define my worth. But watch my actions. Come to my home, love my child, watch Netflix on the couch with me all day and feel that I am present now. Not because I say I am, but because truly that ease you feel around me now took years to earn. I’m proud of many things I’ve accomplished in my 30 some odd years of existence, and fatally horrified by more. But that which I’m proud of are the things that earned me a warm bed to sleep in, a man whose love alone proved that hopeless romantics really should hold on, a baby girl with dark hair and blue eyes who smells like lavender and grabs my pinkie like she’ll never let go and a family who- though tentatively- years later have helped me find the bricks to rebuild the valley of castles I burned down. Be proud of change, allow change, create change, and never, ever look back.
Battle Scar Motherhood 